Recipe 25: Black Bean Burgers and Recipe 26: Homemade French Fries

April 20, 2011


Listening to: The Dodos (album: No Color)

Someday my autobiography will be adapted into a Tyler Perry movie called “I Can Do Awkward All By Myself”.

I cooked myself dinner last night. I actually went to the grocery store after choosing my meal and finding my recipe online, which is new for me. My meal choice: black bean burgers and fries. I don’t know why. Stop asking why.

I spent a lot of time in the produce department again. I’ve been there countless times on account of this project. And I always go to the same grocery store. Still, I don’t even kind of know where anything is in that department. I was probably in the produce department for 20 minutes and needed 5 things. That’s four minutes a project. Yea. I can divide 20 by 5. That’s why I have an engineering degree.

I failed at self checkout, and I failed hard. Ringing out sodas is hard I guess. I wanted to skip bagging. The machine didn’t want me to.

Machine: Please place the item in the bag.

Me: UGH! I DONT WANT TO! (placed soda on bag thing)

Machine: Please remove last item and scan it.


It went so poorly that the attendant saw my struggle and had to come help me.

Guy: You can’t ring out those potatoes like that.

Me: How about you just do it?

Needless to say, I left a bit disgruntled on account of my own inability. But I got home and turned on music and all was well in the world again.

I started with the black bean burgers, which was stupid because their cook time was a lot less. So frankly, I had two courses last night. I mashed and cut up and measured the ingredients and stuck everything in a food processor to mend together.

The black bean burgers were awkward because they looked like poop piles when they went into the oven. And when they came out of the oven they looked like poop piles. But they tasted like really awesome black bean burgers and I made enough to have two lunches this week. Point Mal Benz.

While the burgers were cooking I sliced up my potatoes. The recipe made it very clear that they had to be evenly sliced. Screw you recipe writer. We don’t all own “perfect potato slicing tools”. All I had were two hands and a serrated knife. And because of that I had very uneven potato pieces.

It also said cook the potatoes for 45 minutes. Screw you recipe writer. I was hungry for the second course. I lasted 30 minutes and ate them a bit undercooked, but they would have been stellar. Instead they were just almost stellar.

Lessons Learned:

1. Spray the pan before making French fries.

2. Every now and then, you need get in the kitchen by yourself and enjoy yourself. There’s sanctity in being alone, in the kitchen or wherever your are.

On to the next one.








One Response to “Recipe 25: Black Bean Burgers and Recipe 26: Homemade French Fries”

  1. Sean Coder Says:

    Yeah! for Kaia (which I just found out means “marijuana” or “pot” in Jamaica, did you know this already??? *see link below), black bean burgers that look like poop piles, and the sanctity of being alone. “On to the next one”.

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