Recipe 20: Gooey Butter Cookies and Recipe 21: Soft Chocolate Cookies

April 11, 2011

Gooey Butter:
Soft Chocolate:

Listening to: Nina Simone (Album: Nuff Said)

When you love someone, you cook for them. Unless of course you can’t cook.

Last Thursday was my last day working at a place that I love, a place that I felt loved, and a place where I loved my coworkers. So on Wednesday night I set out to make them cookies, so they would feel loved. That was my first mistake.

Two types of cookies were to be made. The first, the chocolate kind, went off without a hitch. I mixed all the ingredients, by hand mind you because I don’t have a mixer. It was lumpy as all get out, but it tasted good.

I put the batter in the fridge and moved on to the recipe I will call: My Gooey Butter Nightmare Story.

Let me explain all the things that went wrong:

1. The recipe wanted me to “cream” the butter and sugar. I found myself asking: Is it ok if my cream is oober lumpy and resembles ostrich diarrhea?

2. To help the creaminess I went ahead and added vanilla. I thought I added vanilla. Then I realized my sister had had rice for lunch. Rice with soy sauce. Soy sauce that was in my batter instead of vanilla. Soy sauce. I lifted that bottle and poured it right in. Soy. Sauce.

3. I started over. It went ok. The batter was ok, it was just super lumpy. I even tried mixing it in a food processor and a blender. They didn’t work because they aren’t mixers. I put them in the oven. No. Let me back up. Some of them made it to the oven tray, some of them fell below the burner in the oven. So I hovered over the oven with oven mitts and spoons, scooping them out.

4. I didn’t so much scoop them out as much as drop them in the crevice between the oven door and oven. The crevice that will forever be named: the crevice of unknown peril and doom. It took me twenty minutes to get them out. Twenty.

5. The kitchen wreaked of burning because I had dropped dough onto the burners. So as I let them cook I stood over the oven with a glass of wine in one hand and a fire extinguisher in the other thinking: bring it on house fire. Not kidding.

6. They tasted like crap when they got done. I threw them away.

At this point I needed a win. In frustration I balled up the chocolate dough and covered it in powdered sugar. I cooked them. They tasted like crap when they got done. I threw them away.

To add insult to injury, my iPad shut down randomly when I finished my post before I could publish. This is the second draft, mind you.

Lessons Learned:

1. For the love of all that is holy, buy a mixer.

2. Just because someone doesn’t make you cookies, doesn’t mean they don’t love you.

Next time will be better. I promise… self.

On to the next one.






One Response to “Recipe 20: Gooey Butter Cookies and Recipe 21: Soft Chocolate Cookies”

  1. Sean Coder Says:

    aww! How sweet of you to try, though. And, I am glad you are still cooking. Can’t leave a chip on that shoulder!

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